ManKnee

I try really hard not to come down on gender lines in this space, probably because I don’t want readers thinking, “that’s a lesbian for you, she hates men.” I don’t. I may not feel any romantic or sexual attraction to them—but partially for that very reason, they make the very best of friends. But some of them…

A couple of weeks ago, I graduated from one-on-one physio to “Knee Class.” Seriously, that’s what they call it. It’s pretty much the same exercises, same measuring and same machinery (but with heavier weights and higher expectations) as the individual stuff, but there are three to six new knee recipients working out at once. At first I was a little skittish about sharing with strangers all the groaning and pushing and sweating and breathing and quiet cursing the convalescent experience demands.

But no. Knee class is great. This is the opportunity for comradeship. For voicing complaints or fears you know your friends and family are sick of hearing. For venting frustration at not being able to do something as well as you hoped or sharing the glee of making the bike pedals go all the way around (not that that’s happened for me yet.)

There are three other members in my class. One is a sweet older woman who had her knee replaced last summer, but stopped the exercises and now has to have a refresher. I let that be a warning to me. Then there is another funny, smart woman whom I call the veteran, because she’s recuperating from knee #2. Her surgery was a week before mine, so I use her progress as a guide—and her wisdom and perspective to not beat up on myself when I’m not at the point in the process where I think I should be.

We are the purest definition of community. People who have had the same experience and are learning from each other on how to deal with it. And I’ve honestly come to look forward to the time I spend with these women.

And then there is ManKnee. I call him that because 1) the only time he joins in our conversation is to rattle off a barrage of questions in a rather annoying interrogation style (i.e., so how many times have you seen the doctor? How many times did he come to your room when you were in the hospital? ) Just so happens, we had the same surgeon. And 2) despite the fact that we all had the same surgery, he’s definitely in more need and needy than the rest of us.

ManKnee: (p) MAN-nee. See “ManFlu” but for the knee.

In Ontario, you can obtain limited (and I mean, the basic, no frills stuff) free physiotherapy if you’ve been hospitalized due to surgery. Personally, I think they should put some income criteria in there, because…well, wait for it. I choose the hospital program because it was easier to get to and I figured they had more experience with post surgery situations—and as an unexpected bonus—it’s a couple of dollars cheaper than private programs. But since I can afford it—and have insurance—I would have let my leg fall off before I’d ask for the freebie stuff.

Three times now that I’ve been waiting in the crowded waiting room for the class to begin, I’ve had to listen to ManKnee browbeat the receptionist into giving him the forms for the free stuff, despite the fact that he’s also taking the paid sessions. I know he’s got insurance—and if so that, a job—because he also got nasty because they don’t direct bill.

My thinking is that the gratis goodies should be reserved for those who need them; really need them, those who can’t access anything else—not for the medically greedy. But appears he wore them down got his way—funny how that tends to happen.

ManKnee goes in early and uses the machinery before the class assistants are there, despite being told to stop. He hogs certain pieces of equipment—I had worked my way through 60 sets of leg weights, 30 sets of weighted pushes (impressed?) and most of my step exercises while he was still on the leg weights. Probably takes him so long because he’s told us all how traumatized his was to wake up during the surgery and hear the hammer like instrument that attaches the prosthetic knee in place. I’m sure they shot him another dose of “cocktail” immediately. The last thing the surgery team wants is you aware. None of us seemed overly sympathetic (everyone gets warned it’s possible) so now he has to re-tell his story every time there’s a new woman in the rehab room. He proves true the rumour that men are bad at multitasking, because clearly he can’t talk to these new victims and move his knee at the same time.

I notice he never talks to the men.

He’s come close to calling me a liar on a few occasions. He can’t believe I don’t remember a thing about the surgery. He can’t believe I was able to wiggle my toes when the doctor asked me to in recovery. He can’t believe my surgeon’s residents’ team was so attentive.

And yet I have absolutely no trouble believing that they might have avoided him.

I am not the only one who is aware of ManKnee’s tiresomeness. He openly defied one of the physiotherapist’s requests that he not get back on equipment he’d been holding up for too long. There was a snide remark from one of the staff about the class only being an hour long. I’ve seen rolling eyes and headshaking. In fact, after getting me my post session ice, one of the staff was still glaring and shaking her head. I wasn’t supposed to have noticed that exchange, but I couldn’t help myself.

“Don’t mind him,” I said. “He’s got ManKnee.”

I could still hear her giggling 10 minutes later on my way out the door.

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