Despite being a fine arts major, I wasn’t all that bad at math, particularly geometry because it involved pictures. And one thing I know for certain is there’s a fair bit of difference between a 90-degree angle and one that’s 120 degrees.
That’s the difference my knee has six weeks to bridge.
Never mind the fact that I can now tolerate walking for 30 minutes, double what I could 10 days ago. That I’m doing a much better job of sleeping through the night. Or the fact that I can clean out the dishwasher, put the dog in the yard, do laundry, feed the fur babies, make a meal, put on my own boots and (sort of) carry stuff upstairs, all by myself—things I couldn’t do just a short time ago.
Nope, according to my doctor, I have to get my knee to bend 120-degrees. It’s imperative. It’s possible. Apparently he did it while I was on the operating table.
The fact that I was so severely drugged up that I have no memory of this and temporarily paralyzed from the waist down at the time didn’t figure into that conversation.
It wouldn’t have mattered. I was too lightheaded from the Cirque du Soleil audition they had me doing in X-ray to make a witty retort. And slight nauseated from the sharp pain him of shoving my knee further back than I’d ever taken it.
The answer? Every 10 minutes, I am to bend my knee back, pulling my lower leg under me as far as it will go. Farther each day. Every 10 minutes. Doc wasn’t making a generalization. He meant every 10 minutes. As in six times an hour.
“Do you want more meds?” he asked before I left. “Yes, please,” I thought. “And while you’re at it, throw in a pound of medical marijuana, a bottle of Absolut citrus for Cosmos and a couple of quarts of Ben & Jerry’s. If you expect me to get through this bending thing.”
“Next time you see me, we should talk about getting you on the list for the right knee.”
I smiled and nodded. I’m sure he didn’t hear me say “oh goodie” as I entered the hall.
It took the rest of the night and the better part of the next morning for the disappointment and self-loathing of my tight inflexible body to dissipate. Then anger filled in the blanks. I would do it damn it. I would show him and the world that I could bend my fake knee just as well as anyone else. False bravado makes me feel better, more in control.
And not being able to walk properly after going through all this is, frankly, more than I can bear.
So I am bending. While waiting for my love at Lowes. Reading in bed. While drinking coffee in the morning. While typing this piece. Every time I think about it, which is really often. It’s the monkey on my back. The song that won’t get out of my head.
No, it’s probably not every 10 minutes, but it’s an awful lot of bending and trying to best myself each time.
I’m working on making it become an unconscious habit.
I’m hoping it stops hurting so damn much.
I planned for the recovery of my knee surgery pretty much the way I approach every task—armed with a numbered and prioritized list of tasks and some clear cut goals. I love lists. I have lists of lists. I shudder to think what portion of my income gets spend on bright white neatly lined index cards and for the important, more long term lists, piles of Moleskine notebooks and calendars, in a range of sizes and colours. I am a fool for that creamy eggshell satiny Moleskine paper, beloved by writers for decades.
I tend to be a determined sort, so it’s not surprising that the only person who dared to suggest that I just might not be up to rearranging my office or finally filing all my writing samples or even dusting off a thriller I started writing a couple of years ago, was my boss. We tend to be brutally honest with each other.
Turns out she was right. It’s been six weeks since the surgery, I’m halfway through my (thankfully!) paid short-term disability period and my master list remains unchanged by a single check mark or cross off.
Truth is, I had no idea what was to come. I expected a few painful days in the hospital (which weren’t thanks to modern chemistry and residual effects from my spiral block that kept the worst at bay) followed by gradually better, more active weeks ahead. I wasn’t even close. Here are 10 things I didn’t know.
- I didn’t know I’d develop some problems with food. I opted for a spiral block and “cocktail” because I didn’t want to deal with the affects of anesthetic—including the loss of appetite. Nope. While I get odd food cravings at strange times—and try to eat one decent meal a day, generally dinner because I know I’m being watched—I could pretty much live on homemade smoothies and toast. As long as the world doesn’t run out of frozen strawberries and pineapple, I will survive.
- I didn’t expect to be an intellectual dullard. The other reason I didn’t want a general anesthetic was I knew how cloudy it could make one’s mind. None of that for me. I didn’t know that post surgery pain generally makes one temporarily confused and mentally slow. So much for the list of books I wanted to read (which were all professional development-type tomes) and pieces I wanted to write. Lately making of sense of a reality TV show is more like getting through a Ted Talk. On science.
- I didn’t know I’d be so tired. I take naps in the morning just to soften my entry into the day. I have to rest after exercising twice a day. A 15-minute walk, as prescribed at this point in my recovery demands an hour of lay-down afterwards. It’s ridiculous.
- I didn’t know the pain would bloom to its worst three days after I got home. I was drugged pretty well throughout my hospital stay. The nerve numbing qualities of the spinal lasted longer than I had expected. I was so gleeful at just being home the weekend I was released, the happy endorphins floated me on. And then Monday came—with a throbbing pain that felt like someone was smashing my knee with a hammer. Good thing that lessened a little each day.
- I didn’t know that for quite some time, just about everything would feel overwhelming.
- I didn’t know there would be setbacks. Days of gradual linear progress felled by one bleak depressing day where nothing went right, my knee wouldn’t bend and I was struck with the fact that I might never walk normally again. But I also didn’t know I’d be able to let them pass, accepting them as inevitable, then finding the strength and determination to start pushing forward the next day.
- I didn’t know physio was going to hurt so damn much. There, I said it.
- I didn’t know that so many people would be checking in, texting, writing, calling, supporting me, cheering me. That’s been a pretty wonderful discovery.
- I didn’t know that I would feel so proud of myself for doing a load of laundry, making a simple meal, showering without a spotter outside the door or being able to walk by myself for a whole 15 minutes. I tend to beam these days whenever I can do anything that makes me feel like me.
- I didn’t know that now, when the pain is more often discomfort, that I would realize how much I now appreciate simple gifts like comfy blankets and fresh sheets and pjs, the pain-easing chill of a frozen bag of peas, my favourite take-out sub—the little, but massively important parts of being cared for by someone who loves you.
Now I know. I’ll be better prepared the next time.
“It went beautifully Joy. I’m going to go talk to Lynn now.”
I’m peacefully foggy but recognize my surgeon despite his cap and mask and I realize the surgery–the event that my entire life has been pointed at, on hold for, for the past 18 months, is over. I feel a goofy grin spread over my face. It dawns on me that I’m wearing a paper hat. I wondered if they were short-staffed in the cafeteria.
In recovery, with a nurse admonishing me to breath deeply and cough, the events of the morning fall into order. The fistful of pills I had to down with a thimble of water. The space age inflatable blanket, powered by what it looked like a cross between a rental floor cleaner and R2D2, that wrapped me in a weightless cocoon of warm air. The catheter hooked into the back of my hand, through which a whole lot of drugs travelled into my bloodstream. The tiny bit of dread that made me ask Dr. Eva, as she checked my airways in the event of an emergency intubation, if I was going to hear or see anything—I had opted for a spinal and “cocktail” instead of a knock-out to the core general anesthetic—a choice that had friends calling me the bravest person they knew. Still, I knew some heavy equipment would be used to attach the new joint to my leg bones and the last thing I wanted to hear was workshop sounds.
“No way,” she grinned. “We let you see what’s going on and next thing you know, you’ll be wanting to give all your friends new knees at home. We couldn’t risk letting you cut into our business that way.”
I liked this woman. She had kind eyes and I could tell she was going to light me up good.
Once we got into the operating room, the team asked me to crawl over on to the operating table and I did just that. I rolled over and crawled across the table, exposing all that wasn’t covered by my tiny little gown to those assembled. “No, no, sweetheart,” someone said, “We need you on your back.” The sedatives must have been working because I was rather amused that I’d mooned the room. I also vaguely remember being held up by someone, whom I may or may not have been hugging back. Took me a day or two to connect that encounter with the faint bruise on my lower back from the spinal.
Yes, I was that out of it. Gratefully I still couldn’t feel anything below my waist. And I would continue to slug back a cupful of pills every few hours and ignore the morning ritual of a heparin shot to the stomach. During my stay, I didn’t mention the hallucinations the pain pills were creating, neither the multitude of cats I thought were walking around my room, nor the fact that a gift basket brought by a friend kept turning into a Carmen Miranda-like figure. I wiggled my toes every hour as prescribed. I gained the appreciation of the nurses because I wasn’t afraid of needles (we’re a small group apparently) and I didn’t flinch, whine or ask unnecessary questions. Even when the interest in my health moved north. Around dinnertime on the day following my surgery, a porter showed up to take me to x-ray. I had already been there in the morning to check my leg, but this time they did some chest shots.
That’s the beauty of heavy post-op drugs. I knew something was wrong—but I could’t work up the effort to ask about it.
The following day, one of my surgeon’s residents showed up to explain that my blood oxygen factor was too low and my heart beat too fast—and there was a slight effusion (scary doctor talk for a bit of fluid) on my lung. That explained the chest x-ray. There was a fear that I’d developed a blood clot, which could be really dangerous. An ECG later, I learn I’m scheduled for a CT scan sometime later that day. That’s when the real adventure begins.
CT scans are wider than MRI machines, so I avoided the claustrophobic sense of panic I was expecting. But despite the technician’s warning, I wasn’t prepared for the effects of the dye they shot into my veins through yet another new catheter on my arm. A smoky, metal taste exploded in the back of my throat, I went hot all over and an intense headache crept in immediately. By the time I got back to my room, I was shaky, my blood oxygen was way too low and my blood pressure was scary high. I could feel my heart bumping in my chest. My night nurse, funny and refreshingly heavy on the profanity, told me I was having a mild allergic reaction to the CT dye. The doctor on call was called. The only thing to be done was flush the dye from my system.
For the next three hours—the duration of the final episode of Survivor I was watching on my iPad—I alternated between sips of water and watered-down Coke, using a spare gown to swing my stapled up knee to the floor so I could steer my walker and my overfilled bladder into the bathroom. Eight trips later, past midnight—and just after the winner of the series was announced—my vitals were in an acceptable range. As my nurse tucked me in and made sure my call button was handy, he leaned over and whispered, “Now go the f#*% to sleep.”
I did. And just after my sort of French toast arrived in the morning, another resident showed up to tell me all the tests had cleared. The problem was that a small portion of my lungs had collapsed just a little during surgery—a fairly common event if you aren’t intubated and something that would work itself out with enough deep breaths. I’m surprised he bothered to tell me the good news—at first I didn’t realize he was a doctor and asked him to help me clean up the dirty cups and mess that had accumulated on my tray. Good sport that he was, he followed me and my flapping gown to the garbage pail outside the room.
He also decided it was safe to release me.
“You tend to run a little hot,” he said. “You’re in fine health, but your vitals are just a touch higher than most people.” I smiled. One of those times I’d have preferred to be struck with the status quo.
A wheelchair ride down to the car, a cup of good MacDonald’s coffee from the drive-thru and a shower later, I was wearing my own pjs and lying on my own couch, drinking a decent Coke. Plenty of pills and pain and physiotherapy were still ahead. Along with the same operation on my right leg, to be scheduled once my left fully healed—but now I knew what to expect.
Thanks to all the tests, all that we had learned and all the mysteries that had been dispelled, the second time around would be standard operating procedure.
Been awhile, hasn’t it?
I’ve been busy building a company while working full time, too busy to keep this blog at the level I need it to be.
But all that busy-ness will come to a crashing halt next Wednesday as I’m wheeled into the operating room for a total knee replacement. This time my left. My right follows suit after the first one heals.
First surgery. First experience of staying in the hospital. Then a longish three month (minimum!) recovery.
I’m excited about walking pain free and cane free. Eventually. I’m curious about the surgical procedure-the plan now is to avoid a general anesthetic and do it via a spinal block and a “cocktail.” I told them to make it a double. And I can’t imagine what having an entire three months or more to focus on getting better is going to be like. I’m the woman who dictates emails to Siri from the shower. I’m writing this during my commute. I’m accustomed to doing at least three things at once.
Focus on me? Seriously?
Thing is I’ll need an outlet or two, for recording this journey, for thinking aloud, for pondering what comes next.
And while what I have to say may not always be joyful–or at times loud enough to be noise, you’re welcome to stick around to how the story goes.
My dad was in a wheelchair—due in part to the disease I’ve inherited—for the last ten years of his life, so I thought I knew a lot about public reaction to a disability.
I’ve had my share of yelling matches with perfectly able-bodied jerks who park in the handicap zones, stared down serving staff whose sensibilities were ruffled by the presence of a wheelchair in their section and apologized for accidentally steering him into store end caps. What I learned from him is screw them all, do what you want and be where you want to be.
My love, whose own father was challenged with Parkinson’s disease, was good at grabbing my dad by the back of his belt and hoisting him out of our then very low to the ground Mustang. I’m sure there were times he was nearly spitting cotton, but it didn’t matter. He was enjoying an outing. He was having fun.
But it turns out there is so much more to learn. Nothing about my recent education would be news to anyone who has had to deal with any sort of physical, mental or psychological challenge, but it’s all new to me and therefore a little fascinating. Here are just a few of the things I have picked up.
This may be racial profiling, but young women of Asian and Middle Eastern descent are my best friends on public transportation. I have had young female Chinese students race to give up their seat and once a teen girl in a hijab nearly cleared the entire front of a bus for me. She yelled, people scattered. I think it might have something to do with their upbringing and cultures that actually value aging relatives who might need a little extra consideration now and then. Makes me wonder—when we talk about diversity and tolerance—many we should be taking about how much these new Canadians have to tolerate from us.
Like anyone else, I appreciate you holding the door for me. It’s definitely preferable to getting hit in the face with it. However, understand that you are making a commitment and you should do so graciously. I’d rather open my own door when I get there on my own time than feel the need to step up the pace to get that disappointed look off your face.
Understand that no matter how close you walk or stand behind me, it’s not going to make me more flexible or quick. Doesn’t work like that. If it did, I would hire someone to walk very close behind me just to keep me in motion.
Don’t give me that look when I eschew the stairs for the elevator. Yes, I look healthy, relatively young for my age, I’m usually fairly neat and well dressed and I don’t use a cane or any other sort of aid. I’m not lazy, seeking sympathy or feeling sorry for myself. Trust me, attempting those stairs is going to ruin my night.
Yes, I do know you’re in a hurry and you want to get around me, but try not to dart left and right; just pick a path and go. Whether I see you coming at me, or feel you behind me, I can’t react to your sudden motion and it makes me freeze in place. Which does neither of us any good.
And to the several people out there who seem disappointed that I’m still working—get over it. Currently, the toughest thing about my workday is getting my tights or stockings on—and that’s only because the bend-ability of both knees is less than ten percent of what it should be. Summer, with cute dresses that can be flung over one’s head and wriggled into, along with bare legs and slip-on flats sans socks will make the mornings much easier. Besides, it’s my brain that makes the money—and as long as I can limp, wheel, crawl or roll up to a laptop, I’m working.
Take note—there will be times when I am simply not myself. Dealing with even low grade chronic pain can cause brain fog, mood swings and feelings of frustration and exhaustion. The pain pills can sometimes cause headaches or stomach woes. All temporary. It all could be so much worse. It’s not cancer. It’s not dementia. It’s not any one of many other horrible things one can get. It’s just hurts to walk. Sometimes. But only until the doctors and I figure out how to fix it.
And that point is never lost on me.